Death of a Dream

 

Update: I found the opportunity in this obstacle. I'm happy to say that I'm listening to the Lord's will and all is 100% better. I have bad days too - but they don't last long :)

Today I experienced the death of a dream.

I have been so close to so many of my dreams coming true time and time again, and just before they almost come true - they are smashed. Every month a door closes on something. I do my best to wait patiently for another door - only to go through the same experience again of being hopeful, getting a chance and then the door slamming again. 

Maybe I'm supposed to be the go-to person for advice about life after having your dreams crushed. Maybe I'm supposed to be that example of - you can still be happy even when things never go your way (most likely).

So my question today is - at what point do you give up on your dreams? The answer I typically give to that question is - NEVER! I'm only 32 but I'm about to have my fourth baby and I'm tired. I've been chasing after these dreams of mine ever since I can remember. Yes, I have learned so much through it all and I tell myself that maybe that was the point of everything -  I just needed to learn and grow. Several times the opportunities came to me without me looking or asking for them and I really thought it must be meant to be - but it wasn't.

This morning, my very last little dream that I have been hanging on to was smashed. I had a lot of hope that it would turn out the way I wanted it to and all the signs looked promising and then without any warning that door slammed shut too. I am out of resources, out of ideas, out of energy and just about out of hope. It's a strange place to be. 

I don't know what it's like to wake up each morning without something to hope for and I'm a very optimistic person. I don't know what it's like to not have a creative project in the works. This has always been my drive and my passion. My time is very valuable though, and if I'm always spending it on chasing the next rainbow without ever making it to the pot of gold - I will never get that valuable  time back.

So, I'm at a crossroads right now. I tell myself that I should just be grateful for the tiny successes I've had in my lifetime. There have been plenty of those and they have brought me a lot of joy. Though my visions for each project have never turned how I had hoped - I am grateful for what they taught me and what I learned about myself.

Because I involved the Lord in all my decisions and I trust Him, I can only be happy knowing that He is in control and His will is full of wisdom and love. My dreams are in His hands and I can find peace in knowing that everything that happens to me is somehow for a greater good. 

I am tired and yes, I feel disappointment - but that's because I'm human. I know I will continue to write because it's very fulfilling. I will continue to dream because it's who I am - but acting on those dreams may just be the part that I re-evaluate. 

What are your thoughts on this topic? I would love to hear!

Sadness                                               Disappointment                                      Hope